11 March, 2016
A common question/complaint I hear regularly from coaching clients and friends is why they haven’t been able to attract a great romantic relationship. As somebody who was single for the greater part of her twenties, I can definitely empathise. So much pressure from society to fit in, often coupled with poisonous self comparison, can lead to a toxic tape of self blame which can get stuck in the music player on repeat. It seems like the longer we go without that special someone, the more we reaffirm to ourselves those old stories which could all be titled ‘Why I’m not good enough’.
One of my teachers recently reminded me that nobody has ever gained permanent happiness through the path of acquisition. When somebody asks us what will truly make us happy, the ego with stars in its eyes will be quick to fire off recommendations: A little batch in Omaha, a hip new car, unlimited spend at Catherine Wilson, annual trips around the world and a bank account of Scrooge McDuck dimensions. The desire for relationships in our quest for happiness can be added to this list. Whether you’re looking for new best friends or someone to get married to, when we’re seeking outside of ourselves to create peace within we will never find the right lid for the jar.
Many of us will have witnessed this, if not in our own experience then in others. Those friends that live in the countryside, who embrace nature and local community, who never seem to get angry or burdened by stress and always have a smile. Compared to that family acquaintance who made millions, brought everything you’d ever dream of, developed a drinking problem, divorced his wife and never saw his kids. Having ‘more’ doesn’t always assure happiness.
The things you do acquire in life: money, relationships, children, property – should be looked at as great tools for the furthering of your purpose. Completely neutral from ‘good’ or ‘bad’, the universe has delivered these belongings for your further evolution. However rest assured, one day you will be asked to return them.
This sense of lacking, of something missing, is a great place to start our spiritual dialogue with that higher part of ourselves. Once started, we need to spend some quality time getting very clear with ourselves about our purpose so the universe can respond promptly. The universe, like any good teacher, loves a good student, so lining up this relationship is the first step in manifesting that which you believe is inherently yours. So if you believe that someone tall, dark and handsome is apart of your greater purpose in the world, then please start clarifying it!
A lovely exercise from Esther Hicks’ book ‘The Law of Attraction’ (the book that inspired ‘The Secret’ among others) is a simple process of writing down the following:
Clarifying what you’re looking for.
A short list of WHY you want it.
A short list of why your BELIEVE you should have it.
Here’s an example:
I want to fall in love with an attractive, kind and generous man who will support me in the creation of my purpose (business/art/study/motherhood etc) and my personal development. (You could write a few more sentences here outlining exactly what you’re looking for – don’t be shy, this is your future husband we’re manifesting.)
WHY I want this
Why I BELIEVE I should have this
To go out on dates and enjoy dinner, theatre, movies with another.
To have a family and raise loving children.
I am a kind girl with a lot to give another person.
I am a great listener and would be a supportive, understanding partner.
After completion, you read over what you’ve written and stick the sheet up somewhere where you’ll look every day to remind yourself. (Preferably out of site of any sarcastic sibling who might come to visit).
The next step is crucial.
You completely let it go.
Carry on with your life, creating, working, loving the people who are already in it. If you haven’t already, explore the work of purifying the nervous system and mind through yoga and meditation.
This is one of the best ways I have personally found to improve my relationship with the universe. Sharpening your intuition, like a Faber Castle pencil, requires a top-notch tool, and yoga and meditation are about as good as it gets.
Especially vital here is the practice of meditation, an effortless, daily resting down in to ourselves. Subconsciously the mind is cleansed and sheds the habits/old stories or ideas that might be holding us back from paying attention to the person we are meant to connect with. This is a powerful tool to improve the quality of established relationships also. Whether you’re experiencing tension in a relationship at work or within your family, regular meditation will encourage us to view situations from all perspectives, which in this day and age is a contented place to reside.
Developing a personal meditation practice is not without its challenges. I have personally been practising daily for six years and can speak from experience when I say it’s changed my life for the better. Meditation is a key focus with all my one-to-one coaching clients. If you’re ready to kick start your practice, please get in touch for a session.