Frenimies

10 December, 2014

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‘The Abundant Series: Yoga + Kinesiology Workshops are a collaboration between myself and Kinesiologist, Clare Woodward.  We decided to go with the subject of ‘Ex’s Frenimies and Woeful Moments: How to Let Go Of The Past Once And For All’ and as it works out nearly EVERYONE we spoke to had some kind of ‘stuff’ from the past they wished they could be rid of. Frenimies, literally cluttering up the wardrobe.

An activity:

If I asked you to sit quietly with your eyes closed and imagine a living room for a moment, cream wallpaper, neat modern furniture, bright sunny French windows…

And in that space, all the people in your life you love, familiar faces, some new, some old, the cherished & trusted. I’m sure the imagination could easily procure you the image.

Current beloved, big sister, faux Aunt who’s known you forever, close, dear friends.  How happy they make you!

Now visualise that same room and fill it with all those people that you consider enemies.  Ugh, stomach knots, clouds roll in. Who’s there? That old flatmate that ripped you off a week’s rent, disappearing in to ether. Current boss. Old flame who taught you the meaning of unrequited love. Someone deleted on Facebook.

If only THEY could have behaved differently. How easily the mind drudges up all that pain of yesterday, re discovering all those hurts in the now.

Maybe some faces that have crossed from one room back in to the other and then back again?

Lastly take that room and fill it up with every other human soul alive on earth today.  How do we feel about them?

My experience is, extremely indifferent.

It’s no surprise that it’s so easy for us to carve up all the people we know in to one of these three realms. Illustrates beautifully our reptilian brain, who’s only known polarities are love or hate.  Black and white. Right or wrong.

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But we learn growing up don’t we, that there is so much more grey in the world?

And thus more space in our hearts for compassion, love and forgiveness? Depending on the depth of our pain, it can be challenging to reconnect with a space of love.

You might be curious to know, what is a ‘frenimie’? The term ‘frenimie’ is something my brilliant sister introduced me to a few years ago when I had a falling out with a dear old friend.

As the pain swallowed me up whole, I re lived the nightmare on buses, street corners, staring off in to space at work, the idea of a ‘frenimie’ softened a very serious mind and helped me to laugh about it.

Frenimies are friends that have since turned in to enemies, but you know in your heart are still you friends.  I don’t think there’s anyone alive over the age of 5 that doesn’t have a frenimie story to share with you.  Ask around, they are plentiful.  Searching your memory, you might find one.

I believe any wrongdoing, argument, disagreement or feud is the result of miscommunication. How can you take responsibility today for your part in the drama?  Are you willing to claim it? How do we recognise our stuff from someone elses?

There is one pursuit that EVERYONE desires – all your lovelies, your arch enemies, those strangers in the street – happiness.

That inner drive everyone has from birth to death. What we go out seeking, googling, hunting for.

Baking a cake, cleaning your wife’s car, raising a family, travelling, writing a birthday card, attending a course, running a marathon. All activities that share the primordial search for unification with a feeling of bliss.

Seek equanimity now. Don’t wait for it to arrive in tomorrow’s post.

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Practice the Buddhist practice of tantra and mix the enemies with the loved ones, the strangers with the enemies, a big stirred up mixing bowl – view them all with the same open eyes, the same unconditional love. A voice cries out “No! Too hard” – observe the ego.

The more I meditate, year on year, the more loosened the grip of past grief and drama releases.

I don’t need it to define me.

I choose to redefine myself now in the present moment.  I give gratitude to those souls that have contributed to prickly situations, for without them I would not be the person I am today.

What have your frenimies taught you?

Love & big squeeeeze

Kate xo


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